I was singing along with the praise team and the others in attendance at church when I heard God speak. It wasn’t an audible voice. No booming bass voice was heard. It was barely a whisper. Yet that whisper was as powerful as a heavyweight’s blow.
“You doubt Me.” He said.
“Oh no, Lord! I don’t doubt You a bit! I doubt me and my abilities and my worth, but I don’t doubt YOU! No! Oh, no!” were the thoughts swirling in my mind as the music and praise went on.
“Did I call you and design you for this purpose?” He inquired.
“Yes, Lord, You did.” I nodded as I whispered the words.
Yes, indeed. God has called me to speak truth, to speak to audiences, to share truth with individuals, to help them deal with the trauma of their past, to help them learn their present — to step into all God has for them, to help them live forward into the future, leaving a legacy of Jesus for generations to follow.
Every day, I work toward that a bit, but then there’s something holding me back. Something that reminds me that I didn’t go to college, I’m not a Maxwell-trained leader, I’m not, I’m not, I’m not.
And I doubt everything about me. Looks, experience, worth, calling, and everything else. But, goodness! I never doubt God’s power and ability to do all He wants to do. Yet here He was telling me that I really do doubt Him.
“My daughter, I have called you to be the person I designed, the woman I died for you to be. I want you to live in the purpose I have called you to. Every time you doubt you, you doubt me.”
Broken doesn’t begin to describe my heart in that moment. But you know, God doesn’t break us to leave us there in a messy puddle on the ground. He breaks us to build us. In less time than the song played, the Savior cut through all my defenses, all my good words, all my great intentions. He slid right past the mask I wore and put His finger on the sin lying so deep within me that I didn’t recognize it as sin. He did that so I would agree with Him that it was a problem and turn from it.
Here’s truth: I will never be able to live for God in the purpose He designed me for as long as I doubt myself. If I don’t live in obedience to Him, I have chosen self over Him. Here I was thinking I was doing all the doing and being all the being, when in reality, I’ve doubted that God could do all He desires in me.
Enough! No more! No more hiding. No more believing lies couched as humility. No more doubt. God has called me, prepared me, designed me, and that truth is who I am.
Well, isn’t that nice, Faye. Glad you’re finally getting it together. I’ll come to a retreat or conference you speak at. It will be nice.
I can just feel you patting my hand ever so gently, but I’m not sure you get the point.
This is you, too.
God has called you to something.
He has designed you, prepared you, and equipped you
for this and you’re doubting your abilities to do
anything worthy of Him.
You’re holding back,
doing just enough to look like you’re stepping into that calling,
but never really doing so, because you doubt you.
Hear the Father’s voice today, my friend. Hear His heart and align with Him.
Self-doubt is God-doubt.
Let us surrender to El-Roi, the God who sees us. Let us rely on Jehovah-Jireh, the God who provides. We’re not all that and a bag of chips, but HE IS. And so much more. No more doubting this person He deemed worth of the high calling of service to Him through service to others.